I want to play music for the rest of my life.

Random muse of the night

I like receiving little notes to remind me how important I am to some.

Messages get deleted.

Actions get forgotten.

Words get overridden.

But in black and white- all there is to that. A trigger for the absent-minded.

Looking through my stash of notes and cards from all the way since secondary days brings a smile across my smile to incidents I would have forgotten otherwise.

In other words, I really like receiving notes.

I love my family and my boyfriend. Enough said.

Ripped this off a post in fb.

Treat your girl right, bro. Plain and simple.

I know it can be hard to please her sometimes, but it’s worth it in the end. Remember that she’s your happiness, your world. She should be the first person you talk to in the morning, and the last person you whisper “Good night” to. Unlike some of your bros, she’s going to be there for you when you’re the happiest, but more importantly, when you’re at your lowest. She’ll cook for you and care for you, so treat her like a queen. Girls are delicate creatures.

Think before you say. Think before you act. They take every little mistake you make and multiply it by a thousand. So try not to mess up, aight? When you’re fighting, sometimes it’s better to put your relationship before your own pride. You’re not helping yourself by making her upset, bro. And never, ever, under any condition, let her go to sleep crying. She’ll resent you for it for the rest of your days.

Don’t forget to make her feel special everyday. Open doors, go shopping with her. Hell, make dinner for her! The more you show her you love her, the more she’ll give you in return. Remember that an “I love you” via text is never as special as one in person. And show her off to your bros, don’t be ashamed of her. She’s never been ashamed of your dorky ass. Look, she doesn’t really need much in a relationship; she just wants to feel like she matters to you. That’s not asking for much, bro.
But if you haven’t learned a thing from reading this, remember this. Love her unconditionally, loyally, and keep her close. Love her with everything you’ve got: emotionally, mentally, and physically. Because I swear, if you won’t treat your girl right, someone else definitely will.

Just thought I would share.

I would like to give a 100% effort to the people I love, and the things I do. But as the priorities increase, the focus is divided.

Loved ones: I am sorry if I have neglected you. I know how you feel, as I know how I feel whenever I am ignored or of little importance (which is pretty much most of the time). The feeling of a rising lump in the throat, the feeling of trying to swallow it, the feeling of the tingle in the body, the feeling that you are suddenly the most unattractive person in the world, the feeling of your self worth diminishing. And to round it off you still have to plaster a smile on your face as though nothing just happened.

The opposite of love is not hatred. It is apathy.

I can almost see it. The deliberate flow of events which passed seamlessly without so much of a hint of your input, the blank 'are you a retard' stare whenever your voice is finally acknowledged (sort of ). The way you feel like a buzzing housefly; your presence is felt but insignificantly so, or no one seems to notice anything at all.

Why am I saying so much on the same point? Cos I want you to know that I know how it feels. And it sucks big time.

That's why I try my utmost not to let people feel this way. But recently I seem to have failed terribly as both a friend and a partner. I did my best, but it did not work out. And I am as disappointed as you are about how everything turned out. All I can do now is offer my sincere apology and hope you will at least grudgingly accept it.

And I wonder if this is a familiar feeling to everyone.

Things I do: I'm determined to put twice as much effort into both my studies and polo. This staying at the bottom thing for ten million years is really starting to irritate me, as I believe I am not that stupid or talentless. This venturing-out-of-comfort-zone thing is really making me seem like some useless dumb git who knows nothing. So pissed off with myself on why I was so determined to prove to everyone and myself that I can do sports too.

Studies... sigh. I am trying not to be distracted from my cause as I have to buck up and pull up all my grades if I want to graduate with a decent honours. So that means less surfing the web mindlessly (oops), less watching the telly, more doing productive stuff. Hey, slow and steady beats doing nothing at all.

And polo... what's more to say now. I'm sure everyone is tired of listening and can probably say word for word what I am worried about and my problems. And being such a dense being I can't absorb and internalize much of what the coach comments for me. So all I'm trying to do now is just remember at least two things that the coach mentions that I can work on. And with studying alongside (brain activity up) I dearly hope that I can remember more things via listening.

And not forgetting my plans to train a little more every week so I can miraculously improve faster (hasn't been happening at all knn).

The tone of this post is very confusing I realized HAHA. It's just that I feel guilty towards others and exasperated with myself. But through this I hope that others would understand that nothing is personal and I am already trying very hard to balance it all.

To excel you need effort.

To be a carer you also need effort.

To be both you need constant effort and various ratios.

And that golden ratio is what I am seeking.

difficult decisions made in the past

are sometimes difficult to decide in the present too.

Whenever I think of the incident I can almost taste the same helplessness, stress, and self-loathing. When life throws you a dilemma you can't handle, assertiveness and confidence start shriveling into little raisins, magnifying the situation like darkness devouring a small town. It just makes me want to shut my eyes and distant myself from it, hoping it would somehow solve by itself. I guess this is why some people favour indecisiveness; at least if the consequence is horrible you know that it wasn't your fault it all ended in shit (kind of).

Feeling terrible on many counts. Affecting others as well as myself. It wouldn't work, no matter what was decided upon.

All in all I'm just glad it's over, whatever the unpleasant outcome was.

I really, really don't want to end up in any more situations which pits family/bf against polo anymore.



Just a random Sunday night musing. Happy Boxing Day. I really should blog more to combat the sluggishness of my brain.

one of my oldest friends

Thanks for seeing me through my ups and downs, laughter and tears. We may not contact often but we know we can count on each other as and when, and talk like we have never been apart. Thank you for being one of my oldest and bestest friends whom I believe will not disappear from my life.

Hope you have a good 21st year ahead of you ♥

You are the most important person in my life but that does not mean you can abuse the privilege.


I want your eyes and heart only on me.