I rejected him yesterday.

And today, all my resolve dissolved. Too quickly.



Me: Am I deluded?
E: Kind of.



Curse me. Slap me. Kick me. Wake me up. Cos I still can't see anything.

I am just afraid I will disappoint the people who care a lot for me and whose advice I have seeked for. He is like a sort of guilty pleasure. An extremely guilty pleasure. And I will ultimately lose. But nothing's confirmed until it happens. And it might be too late.

Aah well. Mind's a muddle, as usual. And I thought being unloved was worse. Let's just see how next Friday goes.



Man, I should be mourning about more serious stuff like the deaths of the people in the overturned dragonboat (my condolences to your teacher, Andrea) instead of these relatively mundane matters of the heart. No wonder I'm struggling for GP.

Anyway, Good Charlotte's Break Apart Her Heart is the song I'm currently trying to draw inspiration from. Cos of my character - I admit - I am too submissive. And I need to harden my heart lest anything unfortunate happens.




Victims of Love - Good Charlotte

Everybody’s hurt somebody before
Everybody’s been hurt by somebody before
You can change, but you’ll always come back for more
It’s a game and we're all just victims of love


This makes me feel better about the rejection part, as I was feeling rather bad. Ha. It was all for nought in the end.

Speaking of Good Charlotte, their Good Morning Revival is the best English album I've ever heard in a long while. It's super super super super super value for money, so I suggest everyone should to grab a copy of their album right now!

Ok the one I'm listening to belongs to TP :/





Something random. But I've mentioned this song before.

Yawn. I shall continue watching my Romantic Princess. Toodles!


What an exciting twist of emotions in a matter of a few hours.

Stuff that happened today made me waver my decision. It then hit me that communication between two people is really the most vital thing, and I cannot get it from supposed someone(s). Just, awkward silences and small talk. Really, I shouldn't have to be thinking about what to talk about. Racking my brains for subjects to talk about. Totally no chemistry at all.

):

Maybe what he said about our chemistry is right. Used to dismiss it as trash, just a something to get into my good books. But now with interaction from other beings, I find that there isn't another person I can just talk like I have known him for ages, and with no subject off limits. Chemistry? I guess so. But his openness is starting to freak me out. Like, seriously. I mean, who talks about ___ so openly until I was -.-", and I have a high tolerance for it lor.

Gah, must stop thinking about it, dumbass! Get a grip of yourself. And let nature take its course.

Sorry for the boringness of all these. But no one forced you to read it.

(:

Horny bastard.

But, y'know, everyone loves a bad guy.


Fuck it.


I know my entries contradict. But so does he.

As the song 对的人by 戴爱玲goes,


爱虽然很美妙
却不能为了寂寞
又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待
仔细寻找
感觉很重要
宁可空白了手
等候一次
真心的拥抱
我相信在这个世界上
一定会遇到
对的人出现
在眼角


so, I guess I'll move on.

Ha, to think that a song is more effective than counsellings to make me realise that.

But, I'll never forget him. Thank you for your teachings.

Thou shall not think about it anymore.

And start to think of more practically stuff, like how to earn my first million.

(((:

I'm thrusted in a dilemma. And boy do I need some answers.

I am really glad that he was frank with me. At least he gave me the option to back off. But it's so hard; one part of me doesn't not want to be caught up in all these, one part of me just isn't willing to let go so easily. I mean, it isn't easy for me to form a liking for someone nowadays (you should see my hate-list) and now that I finally did, it really pains me to make such a decision. It just twists my heart real bad when I think about it. I was happy, but I don't think it will last. We just have too contrasting views, and I do not think I am prepared to accept them. Do not think only. I really do not know. All I know is if I give in, I will lose some of my closest friends and my ___. If I don't, I am bracing myself for a serious heartache. And I do not want both.

I miss him. I really do. All I want is for him to give me a big hug, stroke my hair, and tell me not to worry too much. But, it will never happen. Cos the problem is him. The cause of my emotional roller coaster these days. Besides giving me security, he also taught me a lot of stuff. Stuff that I would otherwise never know. I was never more smittened by anyone else. He is straight-forward, certain, and knows exactly what he wants. That is what I admire most about him. And what repels me from him. He doesn't know this, but he has impacted me more than I can imagine. In ways that even I may not be aware of.

However I always have the niggling fear at the back of my mind that what I feel is completely one-sided. He always says he loves me and wants to make me happy, but at that point of time, was his heart truly with me? If I back off in the end, will he hurt inside, or simply find another person to take my place? I really hope that the feeling is mutual.

He said to take my time to think over it. But it makes it all the more harder. The longer it drags, the more I feel I cannot lose him. Shit, the feeling's terrible. I hate making such decisions. But it's a reality I have to face.

Sorry to bore, but I had to get it off my chest.

Now, to follow my head, or my heart. I don't know.



我的最爱 - 张韶涵

像一场梦却醒不过来
另一个我在看着我
她问我值不值得 为你付出所有
只要一想起你的温柔
就会让我看不清楚
你想做的你

Why I should get a job:

1. money
2. consumes time
3. expand already small social circle

Why I shouldn't get a job:

1. might clash with CO prac
2. lazy
3. lazy

In a nutshell, CO prac was a waste of time today. Even though I was an hour late, I was nonethelessly bored for the 2 hours I was there. Only around 20 odd people arrived, not enough to have combined prac. Sheesh. The only productive thing I did there was to figure more notes of V3 on the merimba.

Thinking of money making-schemes now. Totally sucks you know, to have no money. Yes yes I always say this, but true what. A job would solve it all, but I really hate to be committed to do tasks. I prefer freelance kinda stuff (: can do as and when you like, do at home etc, but of cos unstable income lah. Super irritating. I think I shall just scout for a rich and handsome boyfriend who isn't drawing his purse strings too tight. Failing that, I will look for an old and tico but rich uncle to marry me. Then hopefully before any exchange of body fluid he will hyperventilate so hard that he dies on the spot. All, or most assets will go to me (of cos I'll ensure that first) and I will be rich rich rich rich rich. Muahahahahaha.

I'm joking. Duh. Although I prefer my guys older. And with motorbikes.

You there. Help me find a job. Or you're have to endure my crap everytime you pass by this page.

Yesterday was a completely different experience in all ways. I particularly like the adrenaline rush when on the road. And yes I was sort of touched at some points.

It was all rather confusing for me. Is it cos it's something I want so badly? Or is it him. Should I feel tainted? I don't know. I need some answers. And possibly two tight slaps across the face.

No I didn't have sex, you pervert.

I admit it was comfortable, but I don't feel any emotional attachment whatsoever. Just let it be. Sure knows what to do. Wasn't even a looker. So why was I mesmerised?

Questions, questions. Now time for some answers.

Went to ECP to cycle with I, G and TP today. I admit I wasn't feeling the best of all days, and I pretty much acted like a prig. ): sorry guys! I just had some fucking irritating issues to settle, and it has clouded my thoughts. Like, stuff that really irritates the shit out of me.

Cycling alone does wonders. Made me ponder and have some time to think about everything. Speed, on the other hand, makes my legs ache and hence block any of these unpleasant thoughts from forming. So throughout the whole journey back I keep having my thoughts switching on and off, rather like a lightbulb. Which is good cos I didn't dwell long enough at a particular issue to make me feel emo and spoil my day.

Speaking of emo, I am really thankful to E and TP, especially E, who have knocked me to my senses. No, I will not give in to mind games and I will not feel guilty for what I've said. That's what he wants, ain't it? I WILL NEVER LOSE, COS I HATE LOSING. Really grateful for you guys to take time to listen to my problems and help me think of what to do. It's my honour to know two great people who can share my burden and not whine about it. I love you guys, seriously. Oh, just joking, hahaha, but I'm sure you get what I mean.

To a certain someone: I am sorry to have to say such stuff, but I mean it. It would be the best thing to do. But your intentions have caused me more stress than you could have imagined. And your messages; I don't know if they're your little tricks or what, to make me feel this way. Anyway, most of it was assumption from your part. I certainly didn't say anything about it. To speak the truth, I don't feel anything about it. And from now, I will not be as soft-hearted and mince my words, cos it seems to be exploited to its fullest advantage. I think you're nice, but you're starting to freak me out, hence my wild thoughts. I haven't even formed a proper impression of you, how can I confirm my feelings? I don't know if you are the one, but judging from all these that happened, I seriously doubt so. But nevertheless, I still need you to give me more time, to see if you are indeed the one I'm looking for.

Oh no my tone seems to be varying at this point of time -but who gives a shit. Just get my point. Aah please say you understand what I'm saying now.



Don't mind me; mixed emotions now. Hope whatever I typed made sense.

Been on a movie roll these few days. First, it was The Game Plan on Saturday with E and TP, then it was Mr Woodcock with some 601 people. I was informed it was a class outing, and only 5 people, including me, turned up. -_-" The Game Plan is a show I would totally recommend, it was worth my $9.50. Mr Woodcock, eh, ok lah, quite short, but still passable. Haha.

A text message made my day. Thanks baby.

Mum showed me a very disturbing email. I'll see if I can get her to send it to me... Basically it's why ladies should wash their newly purchased bras before wearing them. Talks about how there is this parasite that can be found there. And a true story: there is a lady who never wash her bra and wears them. Then one day got this strange rash that didn't go away on her breasts. Then holes start to form on the breast and guess what's inside! LARVA! LIKE WTF?!?! And the holes are like in a honeycomb kind of pattern! Omg damn sick.... The pic still can see the larva thing inside!!!! NABEH EH I GOT STOMACHACHE WHEN I SAW IT LOR! Chao c***bye I don't want to wear bra liao lah!! Then as afterthought I keep thinking that they'll use a vacuum cleaner to suck the larva out. OMG JUST IMAGINE THE SICKENING THINGS FLYING OUT OF YOUR BOOBS AND LEAVING AN EMPTY AND DEEP HOLE THERE. WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF!! Ok I'm stopping here cos I can't take it anymore... RETCHHH

I decided to call the bunny Mehmeh. Cos it's white and white reminds me of sheep and sheep goes mehmehmehmehmeh. Hahaha super no link. So it's mum will be called Mehmeh Mama! Ahahaha, get the pun?

I really want a black-tiled mahjong set plus table. See! So chio...

Ok this one not as nice as the one I saw in a magazine... That is really damn chio! Like, $136 or something. This one was selling on eBay and doesn't look really alluring...

This is very nice too! -drools- From Holland though -.-

If all cannot get, a normal green-tiled one will do, I think look very class.

Oh, did I mention that I'm home for the whole of today? That explains the random-ness of this pointless blog entry.

I am ashamed to say that I did not do anything constructive today.

Blog surfed pretty much the whole day. Was tempted to dye my hair. ): And the only times I unglued myself from the computer was when I needed to pee, to eat, and to play with the rabbits.

Bah. Anyone want to go shopping/mahjong/kbox please jio, I'm bored to tears at home. So long.