Sometimes when I look back upon this semester, how so many things have happened.
The pain may be buried, but not gone. For the loss of pain means the loss of reminiscences, the loss of footprints in the soul.
Having prayed my granddad on his 49th day of passing, my stomach flipped when I hear the monk chanting in the familiarly wrenching tones, tapping the wooden fish in timed intervals. Rivers of memory unblocked themselves.
I am strong, but there is a limit to strength.
Beyond the limit, the strength weakens and eventually withers into the background with a protruding snap.
I am about to snap.
11/02/2012
The Girl Who Doesn't Deserve Happiness
Cos that's what it is.
I wonder how some people can just whine and throw a tantrum and yet the whole world can give in and think it's very lovable whatsoever?
I am a person who values words spoken at a very superficial level. Aural in fact. Don't you find words poignantly beautiful? It is as though they have a life to them; hinting of the care taken to craft them, and is great proof that quantity is loosely linked to the vast amount of meaning these meager amount of strung letters possess. So be it fabricated lies; it is nonetheless music to the ears.
It is why sometimes I am so particular about the phrasing of text, the structure of language. To me, it is not a habit - habits can be broken. It is instead something that has grown to be a part of me, for that has intertwined with my emotions and sense of binary oppositions. Without it, I might as well become an empty shell.
And so I am easily affected by certain phrases of speech, or dissatisfied with a handful of responses sent my way. What is "good"? There are so many variations of "good" with possible extremes in intensity. How about "wonderful", to show how proud you are of someone? "Excellent", to express your approval? Or "fantastic", if you are feeling tinges of both?
"How was your day?" "It was good." Really?
And so perhaps I had myself to blame for the reactions of surrounding people during this recent terrible happenings in my life.
"I was very sad."
No I was not upset, nor empty. It felt like you could picture the incident in your mind, cruelly playing over and over again. The helplessness as 'you' watch it unfold, the look on the face - I can all imagine it. And at the point of collapse, you feel the gunshot straight through the heart, and the sudden tremor slaps you in the face and all at once you had to swallow the fact that he is gone, whether you like it or not. The pain was excruciating, and the tears were so raw, so unstoppable. It literally felt like a part of you had die. Less of a soul remains. And instantaneously, the mind unveils the realization that what we normally worry about, fuss about are really, really so insignificant, so tiny, so unnecessary. This was not the emotion of feeling empty; I felt so real and so full of emotions and thoughts and fictitious happenings that my brain could explode any moment.
But how could I even mention any of this? It was too private, and honestly it is only now I am calm enough to structure these feelings into alphabets.
"Cheer up."
How?
Of course now things have improved and I am trying to drag myself through this ordeal. But it will always be something that is never going to make me happy. Sorry but I can't 'cheer up' about it.
The meaning of phrases, sentences can all be altered so easily, with a bit of effort. You can't blame me for being annoyed at lines like "not bad" and "it was okay". Then what is the difference between them? If you can't express such things then how would you expect others to know you a step better? Your preferences and likings? It is as though nothing excites or amazes you. Tardiness is not a good reason I'm sorry to say. If an unclear message was sent across then obviously not a lot of effort was placed into it, am I right? And what so special about the reader if the words received were plain, emotionless, and easy to type? Doesn't it matter that I want to know your inner thoughts a little better, to feel just a little closer to you, to connect our hearts a little closer? I don't get it.
I wonder how some people can just whine and throw a tantrum and yet the whole world can give in and think it's very lovable whatsoever?
I am a person who values words spoken at a very superficial level. Aural in fact. Don't you find words poignantly beautiful? It is as though they have a life to them; hinting of the care taken to craft them, and is great proof that quantity is loosely linked to the vast amount of meaning these meager amount of strung letters possess. So be it fabricated lies; it is nonetheless music to the ears.
It is why sometimes I am so particular about the phrasing of text, the structure of language. To me, it is not a habit - habits can be broken. It is instead something that has grown to be a part of me, for that has intertwined with my emotions and sense of binary oppositions. Without it, I might as well become an empty shell.
And so I am easily affected by certain phrases of speech, or dissatisfied with a handful of responses sent my way. What is "good"? There are so many variations of "good" with possible extremes in intensity. How about "wonderful", to show how proud you are of someone? "Excellent", to express your approval? Or "fantastic", if you are feeling tinges of both?
"How was your day?" "It was good." Really?
And so perhaps I had myself to blame for the reactions of surrounding people during this recent terrible happenings in my life.
"I was very sad."
No I was not upset, nor empty. It felt like you could picture the incident in your mind, cruelly playing over and over again. The helplessness as 'you' watch it unfold, the look on the face - I can all imagine it. And at the point of collapse, you feel the gunshot straight through the heart, and the sudden tremor slaps you in the face and all at once you had to swallow the fact that he is gone, whether you like it or not. The pain was excruciating, and the tears were so raw, so unstoppable. It literally felt like a part of you had die. Less of a soul remains. And instantaneously, the mind unveils the realization that what we normally worry about, fuss about are really, really so insignificant, so tiny, so unnecessary. This was not the emotion of feeling empty; I felt so real and so full of emotions and thoughts and fictitious happenings that my brain could explode any moment.
But how could I even mention any of this? It was too private, and honestly it is only now I am calm enough to structure these feelings into alphabets.
"Cheer up."
How?
Of course now things have improved and I am trying to drag myself through this ordeal. But it will always be something that is never going to make me happy. Sorry but I can't 'cheer up' about it.
The meaning of phrases, sentences can all be altered so easily, with a bit of effort. You can't blame me for being annoyed at lines like "not bad" and "it was okay". Then what is the difference between them? If you can't express such things then how would you expect others to know you a step better? Your preferences and likings? It is as though nothing excites or amazes you. Tardiness is not a good reason I'm sorry to say. If an unclear message was sent across then obviously not a lot of effort was placed into it, am I right? And what so special about the reader if the words received were plain, emotionless, and easy to type? Doesn't it matter that I want to know your inner thoughts a little better, to feel just a little closer to you, to connect our hearts a little closer? I don't get it.
5/29/2012
Malacca I
Weekends are probably the only days I look forward to now cos that's when boyfie is free to spend time with me! Yay!
So one fine day the boyfie, family and I decided to go on a weekend trip to Malacca (sadly not as spontaneous as it sounds). Wasn't feeling too well before the trip so didn't indulge in as much food as the previous time, but nonetheless it was still an enjoyable one! Damn I need a proper holiday getaway, this one is too near and too short >:(
Upon arrival at Malacca, we promptly scooted down to Makko restaurant for lunch. It was a belated Mother's Day treat from the siblings sooo... A lot. Of. Food. Was. Ordered(!!!)
Chicken pongteh. The sauce was really good! Didn't have much of the meat though. I mean, look at the portion.
Fried otak! Nom nom.
Only one of my favourite vegetables, smelly beans!! Cook it with sambal and you're good to go.
The belachan served. Ate it and all the spicy food despite having diarrhoea :x
And then the rest of the food was decent but unmemorable. Somehow doesn't taste as nice as I remembered it :( Maybe we were just ravenous the last time?
Snapshot taken before we were seated. It was damn crowded!!!
Nyonya Makko Restaurant
123 Taman Melaka Raya, Melaka, Malaysia
Opening hours: 11.30am - 2.45pm /6.00pm - 9.30pm
Closed on Tuesdays
Following that we immediately went back to Hotel Equatorial to check-in and get our rooms. The weather was so sweltering omg makes you just want to run from shade to shade. Malacca Y UR sun rays painful upon contact with skin *melts and dies*
View from our balcony. Honestly expected the pool to be much worse so I was secretly impressed.
After resting for a while (must recover from the heat lol) we then headed towards Jonker Street! At first I was horrified by the thought of walking there but it turned out to be a great suggestion cos we found plenty of small shops along the way within Dalaran Pahlawan!!! Cheaper than the stuff at Jonker andddd I bought a RM10 cropped top and cute hair accessories at RM10 too I think to mask my true age hahahaha omg happy.
Spotted something cute? (No not me)
YES IS MY STRAWBERRY FLOWER HAIR TIE (sorry Alvin heheh). I love it!!!
Approaching our destination...
Photobomber wtf.
And finally Jonker Street! Thank goodness the sun had decided to be kind by then and hid behind some clouds. Made shopping more pleasant :D
Egg-shaped ice cream. We bought durian flavour! It was okay only. It was only when we saw other people eating it then we realized how silly they looked doing so.
Street stalls being set up :D :D they only do so during the weekends!
Oldschool food stalls!
So we entered...
And five people shared a small plate of carrot cake and 5 sticks of satay. Haha.
Tsk forever sulking whenever I whip out the camera. Holding my bing tang hu lu!
And then we(I) proceeded to do some shopping! The stuff there were not exactly the cheapest, since it's a tourist spot and all. There were plenty of apparel stores selling mainly graphic tees and tops priced at like RM25 or something each? And many types of hats.The hats OMGGG. Fedoras for a mad RM5 each I am so sad my head is too big to fit into them or else I could get them in ten million different colours or what *annoyed*
I got 4 pieces of clothing and hair stuff again while boyfie bought 2 nice tees! Cos I chose them weeee. No pictures while shopping cos shopping always >>> snapping photos heh heh.
Soon it was dinner time! Amazingly still can feel hungry despite munching the whole time. We decided to settle for some chicken rice balls which was a total mistake cos the only CRB restaurant which was open at that time sucked so bad :(((( le sad. No address but just the signboard for reference never to go there again!
Meh. Smaller pictures cos not worth the attention!!
Still okay.
Dry dry dry. Puts the Sahara desert to shame.
Forgettable. And the chilli was horrid.
Secretly took a group shot + interior. Don't be fooled by the aircon to step in!! (which was what happened)
The night was much cooler as temperatures descended and a balmy breeze set in. Took a leisure stroll back and was greeted by some lovely views by the river :)
There's something about big pools of water which always make me feel serene and at peace with the world.
Never got to sit :((((
And to end of this post this is a picture of boyfie pretending to be Santa Claus.
Does it mean that my present this year is gonna be huge? HEHEHE.
Next up: Malacca II
5/24/2012
5/18/2012
4/17/2012
do you feel cold and lost in desperation
You build up hope but failure's all you've known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go.
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