i hope to look back and think this is gibberish

And now is the time of the day, where insecurity decides to make itself comfy in the middle of my head.

Sometimes I wonder, if friends will remain as friends, if enemies will remain as enemies as time passes. If friends are really friends, and not just both parties having an understanding an inch deep. What is a true friend? Sometimes everyone is oh-so-happy-we-are-a-clique and start getting together and hanging around, but on other times it feels kind of superficial and I really have to suppress certain thoughts that would otherwise spoil a perfectly fine day.

Friends may come in droves, but at the end of the day, who are those that would actually bother if you come knocking at their doors in despair? And those that bother, who would go all the way rather than have a flitting feeling of irritation in the midst of it all?

Doubts, doubts.

For me, in times of need, the first persons that come into my mind can be counted with only one hand. As for the rest... I suppose they would fall under something slightly better than fair-weathered friends? I classify my friends similar to Burgess concentric circle model and the core is coincidentally made up of people I know during a certain period of time.

And yet despite this group of close friends, who do not seem to take each other very well, I sometimes still get a pang of loneliness especially at night when silence is prevalent and the occasional sounds come from the weak breeze outside. I cannot tell if it is due to the fear of losing them or if their friendship is questionable. They all have their own lives and their own social circles. Who am I to demand my position in their course of life? Being a somewhat self-conscious person, I really want to know if I am as important to them as they are so significantly entwined in my life, or this random passerby who only smiles and waves and then disappear into nothingness.

I get this nagging feeling that I am demanding too much from my friends.

Hand on heart, I totally require their most of their attention whenever there are outings as I feel it is quite impolite to be yakking on the phone half the time while with others or to be constantly twiddling with their phone buttons every 5 minutes or so. I feel that sincerity is very important, and for that to be exuded it would need mostly undivided attention from the other party. Though I am sometimes guilty of the above, I still feel a twinge of annoyance whenever I see the said friend ever so often checking his/her phone for new messages and the likes. And when I see my core friends doing as such, unpleasant thoughts start forming inside my head like, wth is going out with me so boring? etc.

Due to these unnecessarily high demands, I am once in a while saddened by them and all the insecurity crap kicks in again. Or maybe it's cos I have learned to emotionally detach myself from people too well, and now I cannot distinguish between the good and the bad, the sincere and the phony.


Ok it's a goddamn 5am I'd better stop thinking so much and try to fall asleep. Ta.