I feel strangely upset.

It all started out with innocent talk (I will assume that) - that one person will not be able to play. Let's come back to this later.

Since forever, I have this constant belief that grades are a combination of smartness + hardworkingness. Basically it means that someone who is duper hardworking can score possibly a comparable score to someone who is lazy as can be but has a certain level of smartness to him. And apparently, this equation also seems to apply to sports. Except instead of smartness, it's talent.

You should perhaps try to measure the amount of talent I have. It's so minute I will freaking need to use vernier calipers.

This post is not about pulling long faces on how bad I suck at polo and oh-please-everyone-be-nicer-to-me-i-so-poor-thing. This post is written in the most neutral tone I can muster, and I guess, I am subconsciously bracing myself for the worst.

Am I hardworking? In my humblest opinion, I think I do put in quite a substantial amount of effort. I try to encourage myself by setting tiny goals, taking baby steps, so I will not be too overwhelmed by the actual amount I am lagging by. To be lagging behind is one of the most horrible feelings on earth. It is a burning mix of emotions; of envy, of confusion, of frustration, of humiliation. Yet, I grace my presence most of the time and suck it up and try to perform better.

If you are on top, you will never understand how it feels to be at the bottom.

Everyone is different. Our past experiences, our habits, our daily routines are different. Hence, our climbing path to the top will be different. At this point, after approximately two years, I am horrified to say that I am still meandering somewhere below, with no clear route to the goal.

Frustration courses through. Like 'why the fuck I cannot remember to multitask' and 'why the fuck I cannot read the game/people's course of action'. People yell. I lap it up. Because I am the guided, the blind sheep.

Accepting criticism was never a strong point of mine. But I swallow it all up cos I had to, I am non the wiser on what's going on.

And why do I do all these? Subjecting myself to things I normally do not tolerate? Cos I do not want to be forced to conclude that I simply have no talent in sports. And I do not want to exit from something, having ill feelings and completing only part of the battle. I want to be able to exit feeling happy and accomplished, that I had gained plenty out of it which in turn made me a better person.

Again, I am only scribbling out my thoughts as they are, not trying to chalk up sympathy. But I digressed.

One person will not be able to play. I am speculating my name is a top favourite in the list, however I am now doing all I can to get out of it. But I know my limitations and weaknesses so I am cushioning my pride lest my predictions are founded.

I don't want to confirm my lack of talent in sports.

I feel strangely upset.