Loved ones: I am sorry if I have neglected you. I know how you feel, as I know how I feel whenever I am ignored or of little importance (which is pretty much most of the time). The feeling of a rising lump in the throat, the feeling of trying to swallow it, the feeling of the tingle in the body, the feeling that you are suddenly the most unattractive person in the world, the feeling of your self worth diminishing. And to round it off you still have to plaster a smile on your face as though nothing just happened.
The opposite of love is not hatred. It is apathy.
I can almost see it. The deliberate flow of events which passed seamlessly without so much of a hint of your input, the blank 'are you a retard' stare whenever your voice is finally acknowledged (sort of ). The way you feel like a buzzing housefly; your presence is felt but insignificantly so, or no one seems to notice anything at all.
Why am I saying so much on the same point? Cos I want you to know that I know how it feels. And it sucks big time.
That's why I try my utmost not to let people feel this way. But recently I seem to have failed terribly as both a friend and a partner. I did my best, but it did not work out. And I am as disappointed as you are about how everything turned out. All I can do now is offer my sincere apology and hope you will at least grudgingly accept it.
And I wonder if this is a familiar feeling to everyone.
Things I do: I'm determined to put twice as much effort into both my studies and polo. This staying at the bottom thing for ten million years is really starting to irritate me, as I believe I am not that stupid or talentless. This venturing-out-of-comfort-zone thing is really making me seem like some useless dumb git who knows nothing. So pissed off with myself on why I was so determined to prove to everyone and myself that I can do sports too.
Studies... sigh. I am trying not to be distracted from my cause as I have to buck up and pull up all my grades if I want to graduate with a decent honours. So that means less surfing the web mindlessly (oops), less watching the telly, more doing productive stuff. Hey, slow and steady beats doing nothing at all.
And polo... what's more to say now. I'm sure everyone is tired of listening and can probably say word for word what I am worried about and my problems. And being such a dense being I can't absorb and internalize much of what the coach comments for me. So all I'm trying to do now is just remember at least two things that the coach mentions that I can work on. And with studying alongside (brain activity up) I dearly hope that I can remember more things via listening.
And not forgetting my plans to train a little more every week so I can miraculously improve faster (hasn't been happening at all knn).
The tone of this post is very confusing I realized HAHA. It's just that I feel guilty towards others and exasperated with myself. But through this I hope that others would understand that nothing is personal and I am already trying very hard to balance it all.
To excel you need effort.
To be a carer you also need effort.
To be both you need constant effort and various ratios.
And that golden ratio is what I am seeking.
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